Top 5 Ways How To Apologize When You Are Not Sorry

We all have those times when we have to apologize to that person with the higher authority, someone who knows you are coerced to apologize to him and accept the blame. If you came to see how to apologize to someone, you came to the wrong place...or not.
Here are a few ways you can apologize even when you are a thousand miles away from being sorry. In fact, you cant turn this situation from a direct one-way blame cannon to a rebounding blame missile.


1)  I AM SORRY I WAS CAUGHT

This is a classic. The one where the blame taker apologizes for being caught in the act, but not to the person himself. Express regret not for what you did, but what caused you to be accountable.
Valid Apology: 

Blamer You slapped my child instead of taking care of him when I was gone.9 hours agoCommentLike You  I am sorry that you came home early and saw me slapping him. We both made our mistakes.8 hours ago

Expert mode: Use this non-apology apology on a cop when you get caught while holding the obviously stolen TV and music system

2) I AM SORRY YOU ARE REACTING THIS WAY
Alternative: I am sorry that you feel offended by my    *(Insert mistake)*.
In this roundabout, don't ever accept responsibility for saying the offensive thing, just plead ignorance for thinking that the person was less of a pussy and him feeling offended and wronged by the nonchalant thing you said/did.
valid example:

Blamer I just noticed that there is a flap to open water cups.

9 hours agoCommentLike
 You You primitive monkey learned that now?8 hours agoBlamer You called me a primitive monkey! How could you?7 hours agoYou I am sorry you feel offended6 hours agoBlamer How else did you think I would feel?6 hours agoYou Who knows what goes in that primitive monkey brain of yours.6 hours ago

Expert mode: use this non-apology apology after you loud-mouthedly say a demeaning and downright vile thing against a group of people. 

Bonus: call them ignorant and stupid while doing so.

But not by me

3) MISTAKES WERE MADE A.K.A THE COP APOLOGY
In this yet another genius method of discarding blame while accepting the reality of the consequences, you acknowledge the mistakes and the mishappenings in a passive voice. You accept that the situation was handled poorly, but there is no part of the blame that is left to slide onto you.

Media How could the police leave the door to the White house unguarded?5 hours agoCommentLike Cop There was a slight misunderstanding ma'am.5 hours agoMedia Weren't you in charge?4 hours agoCop Mistakes were made ma'am. But we are nothing if not human.4 hours ago

Expert mode: Avoid the question with empty rhetoric for more than. 72hours. One week if you are a cop.

4) I AM SORRY 'IF' YOU ARE OFFENDED
This is a favorite among politicians - "If I offend someone, I am sorry". Only in the event that someone should choose to take offense, why then he's sorry. This is a direct opposite of  apologizing for offending someone. Here, the person who was hurt takes the tag to become the soft guy who is easily offended by menial things.

Valid example

You All those who believe that Obama sucks are idiots who suck midget dicks.6 hours agoCommentLike
Blamer  Wow! That is incredibly offensive. I mean I can't even begin to express how demeaning this is. 6 hours agoYou I am sorry if you feel offended by my humorous statement, my friend. But this was meant to be taken lightly.  6 hours ago

Expert mode: Call that person an imbecile and a humorless twat while apologizing for calling him that things.

5) APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING WILDLY IRRELEVANT
If all else fails, deploy this non-apologetic bomb, instead of apologizing for the mistake, apologize for something less flustering and equally unrelated.

Blamer You brought down our whole company by embezzling funds.10 hours agoCommentLike
You I am deeply sorry that this is what our company has come down to and how it has stopped moving ahead.9 hours agoBlamer You falsely claimed to have a degree -.-8 hours agoYou I am sorry how this has affected the company and will gladly take my job back.7 hours ago

Expert mode: Get your job back by doing so.

You know you want to

Here were some tricks on apologizing by not being sorry. Go on, like this post and share it. You know you want to.

Categories: Tricks, World