Sunday, April 28, 2013

Why Iron Man 3 Sucks




The new Iron Man movie was released this Friday. The previous ones had been amazing, if not perfect at pinpointing the actual badassery involved in being a superhero. Iron Man 3 was meant to take it up one level further. It was the struggle against Tony Stark and Iron Man. It was the movie that everyone knew was going to be a blockbuster hit, no matter what. While the latter part remains true, everything else took a backseat.

Obviously, this post is going to have some spoilers. So watch the movie before reading this...or not, 'cause it is kiddy trash. 

ACTING
The movie started with Tony Stark recounting a past event as his iron suits were being blown away in the background. The introductory quote sounded like the writers spent a week trying to say something witty and yet insightful. They failed at both of these attempts. The initial acting from all the actors seemed superficial and completely lacked emotion of any sort. It looked like everyone was trying extra hard to just finish the dialogues and be done with it, go home and watch something better. Well, it will become better once Iron Man comes, right? Who am I kidding, that made it worse, and I thought it was not possible.

THEME
Iron Man 4, coming soon to
theatres near you
Stark is building this prototype suit with little or no armor that he can wear with just the flick of his fingers. The prototype fails, some laughter ensues. Oh, did I tell you, the suit is also capable of being its own handler. It can fly, fight and even protect itself. Not bad for a prototype that is supposed to not quite work, is it? After the creators added everything they thought was cool to the suit, we see a handsome man entering this crappy scenario. He was cool, has awesome hair and wears custom made suits. Everything that warns the viewers that this guy is a douche. He reeks of his own ego and confidence, only to be rejected by Potts.


Now that two characters have had enough screen time, the scene changes to the head is security, a guy who can hardly handle a tablet and sucks at being observant. The very thing he's being paid to do. After a few explosions and some more cool effects, the director thought he could have some fun and relax for some time. The 8 year olds in the theater certainly didn't seem to mind.

Honey, there are more from where these came from
All the while, the henchmen did an excellent job of describing the science beneath the cool...um..things (since they never really explained its implications at all)
Seemed like whenever you got what the thing actually was, the creators changed their powers to make them look more unpredictable when all it did was create cheap surprise tricks.


o.O
Yes, that guy literally pukes fire.

Tony Stark went to extended lengths to charge his suit, even barely escaping from death by a burning woman. And after some time, he had the realization that he had more than a dozen suits which could actually steer themselves. Yeah, Mr Stark, really well thought out plan.



VILLAIN

A really, really good parody
Mandarin, the villain (at least till the point he was the villain), did a pretty crappy job at being a cold hearted tyranious leader and resembled more of someone parodying Bin Laden. He failed to inspire terror, and his one true act of killing was juvenile at best. The mastermind villain was shown to be just a puppet. It was one of the  the biggest bait and switch in the history of overhyped movies. His TV airings were possibly edited by Skrillex holding a spacebar. Mandarin had little to do with the plot and was just present to lure comic fans into sacrificing their earnings to the franchise. The poorly thought out pseudo villain was the biggest let down of the movie for comic book fans. For the rest of us, it was the whole movie.

Suddenly, the suits that were prototypes and laggy, performed split second maneuvers and saved Tony's life.
The reviewers are all giving this movie excellent rating, and I can't help but wonder who's paying them to whitewash the clearly average movie. I can hardly imagine they are watching the same movie as I am. There are fans, and then there are fanboys. This is my reaction to people saying that everyone should enjoy a lighthearted superhero movie:

"What kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this? I've no idea."

Obviously, the movie had its high points, but most of them were unexpectedly so - Pepper falling in the fire was one, Tony Stark saving innocent civilians another,

It was just a mediocre action movie that will be a hit just because it has a high budget, cool explosions and lots of gadgets that would be easy to market. Rober Downey Jr's acting can save only so much of the movie. Oh and yes, in the end, Stark totally destroys the work of his lifetime and kills his badass self to impress Pepper.
In the end, the only thing devoid in the new Iron Man movie was the actual presence of Iron Man.

Share this and spread the word. Save your friends from fake reviews and spending money on a movie that sucks. 

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45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Totally agreed!

Anonymous said...

I have seen like a thousand reviews saying this movie was amazing and wondered if I was going insane or something. Like you said, they were obviously paid to flood the media with great reviews. It's the Disney way right. Thank you for posting the truth about this piece of crap.

Robert Wagner said...

Nerd RAGE!!!!

Anonymous said...

As a comic fan I was so disappointed.The almighty Mandarin was just a complete joke.The actual 'real' Mandarin was just a generic white man villain,who also happens to be the head of AIM;an organisation that should have nothing to do with the Mandarin.Even the kid show Armored Adventures did a better job representing the comics.

4/10 from a comic fan
7/10 if I wasn't a comic fan

rrr said...

Spot on...I felt the same way when I walked out of the theater...I have never read Iron Man comics but I know that Mandarin is the most important villain and adversary of Tony Stark..To think that they made IM's most powerful foe a drug addict is disgusting...I am sure that Disney is paying for reviews..They have got away with superb reviews for two utterly mediocre products-The Avengers and IM 3.

Anonymous said...

They ruined the bloody franchise!! :'(

aloi baguza said...

I copletely agree. The movie was filled with gashing plotholes and nonsensical effects. Reviewers are giving this crappy movie 7-9 stars, and I feel like as you said, Disney is paying these guys out of it's humongous pocket. If it were an indie movie, it would've gotten no more than 4-6 stars.

Anonymous said...

I hated the way Tony got trashed every time he was in a suit. I hated the remote control suits. I hated the kid. I hated the Mandarin twist. I hated Iron Patriot being incompetent. I hated the suit swapping in the finale. I hated Pepper getting powers. I hated Pepper saving the day. I hated Tony getting the shrapnel removed...but most of all I hate that everyone I know thinks that its great when its really quite bad.

Anonymous said...

I thought "ok so we have a setup and the White Guy says he's Mandarin but it will be another swerve and the Asian guy from Bern will end up being him" But no I guess that guy had to be Tony Stark's heart doctor so yeah it looked pretty stupid. They didn't even have to have the powers but they teased this for 5 fucking years starting back to the Ten Rings organization so you could have had layers upon layers with a perfect setup for Iron Man 4 or maybe guess star in Avengers 2 first.

Guess when all you are worried about is milking to cow, you don't care to taste if the milk is bad.

Anonymous said...

Iron Mans value has diminished because everyone is using the suit which should have been kept only for Tony Stark!
The whole story was a piece of CRAP! I hated breaking the suits like a piece of toy...WTF! its suppose to be a sophisticated suit and not something that breaks down with a small bump!

Anonymous said...

Totally agree...this movie sucked donkey balls...total waste of money...I'm now even skeptical of man of steel after watching this shitty movie...

Anonymous said...

One of my favorite movies... why disney? Just why did you have to RUIN IT!! :((((

Anonymous said...

Why does Shane Black have a kidnapping in every script? Is it because he's an obsessive retard or is it because he's an asshole?

Anonymous said...

Na, man of steel isn't put out by Disney so we should be ok.

Scott Douglas Johnson said...

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about downloading the torrent of a new movie (I do intend to buy the dvd someday if I like it). After seeing this garbage movie I'm glad I didn't waste my money in the theatre. I haven't seen a superhero movie so screwed up since the first x-men (Rogue without superstrength). Just once I want to see a superhero movie written and directed by a comic book reader. I too was looking forward to the Mandarian not a bunch of lavaboys.

Anonymous said...

Yep, here in Mexico is the same way. A lot of people is loving and praising it. I got dissappointed where they discover Trevor Slattery is indeed a fake. In that moment, all the movie fell apart and sucked, big BIG time. I wonder if Joss Whedon thinks otherwise...Because this makes a huge bad one in the path towards Avengers 2. Oh God, this movie was just lame and I fall short.

Anonymous said...

This movie sucks so much I'm a big fanboy . It's funny how in avengers iron man can fight Thor and still keep his suit working and put together and in this movie they break to easy . Man of Steel looks amazing please WB don't screw it up. Hope Thor puts on track for the avengers . There was nothing really getting us ready for avengers 2

Anonymous said...

Hollywood took intricate and compelling characters with expansive histories that date back to the 1960s and shit all over the them. Here's to douchebags selling out and selling short! Thanks for showing your true colors, Marvel. Congrats.

Anonymous said...

Could not agree more! I think even making the 'fake' Mandarin non-asian was just to sell the movie to China for all mighty greed. Disney cares nothing about standing up against censorship but instead appeases China all to make extra $$$. Thus totally departing from the Mandarin and leaving the name as a hook for comic fans as was said.

I wish the depart from the comic book Mandarin was the only thing I was angry about. By the time they did the sky diving rescue I was so disappointed in the movie I didn't even enjoy that I think normally would of been a good moment.

My other issue was how many bad jokes they had to put in this one. Even stopping/pausing action at the most inappropriate moment for a "funny" one liner. It was over the top, people around me chuckled. I just glared at the screen at most of them.

Anthony said...

It was a 1 and a half star movie out of 4. 2 out of 4 at BEST. A superhero is only as good as a villain combined with problem solving ability. I'm still not sure how pepper killed "the Mandarin" (don't get me started on him or ima gag) when Tony couldn't blow him up. Did I miss something?? And poor Ben Kingsley... such a waste of talent. I was worried as soon as the previews started but boy am I sad those fears were justified.

Anthony said...

It was a 1 and a half star movie out of 4. 2 out of 4 at BEST. A superhero is only as good as a villain combined with problem solving ability. I'm still not sure how pepper killed "the Mandarin" (don't get me started on him or ima gag) when Tony couldn't blow him up. Did I miss something?? And poor Ben Kingsley... such a waste of talent. I remember complaining to my brother that I was worried about the Mandarin as soon as the previews started but man am I so disappointed those fears turned out to be justified.

Anthony said...

It was a 1 and a half star movie out of 4. 2 out of 4 at BEST. A superhero is only as good as a villain combined with problem solving ability. I'm still not sure how pepper killed "the Mandarin" (don't get me started on him or ima gag) when Tony couldn't blow him up. Did I miss something?? And poor Ben Kingsley... such a waste of talent. I was worried as soon as the previews started but boy am I sad those fears were justified.

Anonymous said...

This movie was abysmal. I am most frustrated by the villain so I think I'll start there. What a waste of Ben Kingsley. A really quality actor given a terrible and disappointing role. Secondly, how exactly did pepper kill the "mandarin"? (I have to put in quotes otherwise I'll gag) I mean seriously, how did Tony not kill him but pepper did? And how? What exactly did I miss? I watched the scene twice! Whatever... the villain's powers were undefined and his mission was obscure. Tony was clever and I did like his strategies when he was in human mode, but the lack of a well-defined villain unnecessarily complicated everything, including the role of iron man himself. A superhero is only as good as in dealing with his foe and this movie clearly suffered from ignoring that axiom (as did Cap. America imo).
-Next up? The length, which was compounded by boredom. What a snooze fest. I looked at my watch twice that I remember. Nuff said.
-Jarvis is still awesome. I think Jarvis replaced iron man in the movie at times.
-Wait for it to come out on t.v. Its not worth even buying.
Thor 2 better be good otherwise I won't have a reason to follow Marvel movies anymore.

Anonymous said...

the movie was pretty good....

Anonymous said...

I felt the avengers was good.

Anonymous said...

I watched the movie today, OMG what Did They do to the mandarine. I'm from France and reviews were the same here, sometimes i'm thinking That i haven't seen the same movie.

Henri Ikwuemesi said...

and Disney expects us to look forward to starwars episode 7? after seeing what they did to this pile of shit?

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Marvel will ever make a great third film in their series of trilogies. It seems like they keep failing.

DT said...

This movie SUCKED!!!

* In terms of strength and ability, the suits I saw in this movie were completely different from the suits in past movies, especially Avengers. The mark VI in Avengers took direct hits and a lightning strike from Thor, and then was knocked around by the turbofan of SHIELD's flying carrier. The mark VII went up against alien weapons that vaporized or blew up most normal stuff.

And in 3 the latest, greatest suit...gets knocked to pieces by a run in with a slow moving semi. Can't break through a garage door. Is instantly disabled by heat much lower then the heat from a lightning strike. And doesn't work right even when it's not under attack. What the heck? The suits from past movies were the stuff of dreams. If I had a suit from this movie I would want it repaired or I would want a refund.

* Home under attack, Pepper still at risk, bad guy getting away, Tony passing out from anxiety, flight power restored, what's an AI to do? I know, let's fly Tony across the country! Since when did Jarvis become an idiot? Since when did an Iron Man suit run out of power on a cross country cruise flight???

* At the end of the movie he can command all the suits to take off and fight on their own. At the beginning he watches while three attack helicopters destroy everything, leaving all the suits on sleep mode. Why? What moron, after the first missile strike, wouldn't tell Jarvis "activate every suit RIGHT NOW!" And freaking Jarvis...grabs Pepper because Tony is having a nightmare, but doesn't activate a single suit while missiles are hitting the house and his boss is at risk of instant death. I guess this is Jarvis Vista edition.

* Part of repairing the suit in the kid's garage involves...plugging it in for a recharge. An idea that's reinforced with Tony carrying a battery plugged into the front later on. Um...isn't the Iron Man armor supposed to be powered by some amazing new reactor? Nah...it plugs into the wall like an R/C car.

* The kid tells Tony to build something, so he gets to work and attacks the Mandarin's hide out with...wait for it...a taser glove and Christmas ornaments. And this is after he's seen what the Mandarin's people can do with the whole thermal energy + Wolverine level regeneration thing. He has anxiety about dying so he goes up against super powered maniacs with...explosive Christmas ornaments.

And that's in addition to all the other nonsense mentioned above. Mandarin a drugged up actor? Sounds more like the director and writers.

I want a refund.

Anonymous said...

I just saw it last night. I totally agree. I never thought I would ever say I hate an Iron Man movie...ugh. It was not fun like IM and IM2. I had to come home and play some scenes from Avengers so I could remember the Tony Stark that I love. IM3 killed Tony Stark. I can't see how they could bring him back after this. I feel sick and ripped off.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure in Avengers 2 Thanos is not Thanos the conqueror but some hot dog salesman. And Electro in ASM 2 is some loser with a taser. Iron Man 3 is the new Phantom Menace. It sucks!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ditto that.

Amrit Singh said...

U know some old 80s fool directed this pos. Why would an 8 year old kid pick up a newspaper. Its 2013 not 1913!!!

In the saving passengers in air game. I get how the first lady gets the instructions from him. How do the other people down the chain know what to do without the benefit of instructions. Lame hollywood movie

Jim Feury said...

IM3...absolute crap...anyone who thinks different is NOT a fan...I'm sad and angry that I was duped...this movie could have been EPIC!... instead it's a steaming pile.

Anonymous said...

been reading iron comics since the 80's and I have to tell you this movie sucked really bad, if this was the first movie it would have bombed.
even my kids hated it.

Anonymous said...

'Just breathe Mr. Stark, just breathe.'' Hang on Mr President, just hang on...'LOL I will never pay to see a Disney movie again in my life.

Anonymous said...

Poor Mandarin!! why did they made you an addict and sucky fake villain??

I have heard that the lava-pyro guy claims to be the Mandarin. that makes it even worst. first time to see Mandarin in the big screen. I was thinking about the magical 10 rings and now I get this BS... When I saw that lava-pyro guy, It reminds me of Mr. Sinister in the X-Men Origin movie. It would have been better if Mr. Sinister's son is the villain in this movie. And by the way, Mandarin is a CHINESE!!!

Iron Man 3 is a complete BS. bad casting and bad story. Don't watch it!

Anonymous said...

The REAL Mandarin could've given all of Tony's suits a run for their money at the same time. When they revealed that the mandarin was a fake, i knew that the movie was going to suck from that point on. The 10 rings are badass. A firebreathing rich-boy is just sad.

Anonymous said...

"I hated the way Tony got trashed every time he was in a suit. I hated the remote control suits. I hated the kid. I hated the Mandarin twist. I hated Iron Patriot being incompetent. I hated the suit swapping in the finale. I hated Pepper getting powers. I hated Pepper saving the day. I hated Tony getting the shrapnel removed...but most of all I hate that everyone I know thinks that its great when its really quite bad."

Whoever said this... SPOT. ON.

Anonymous said...

Ohh ohhhhhh I wanna fly the suit. Go ahead son, make sure you have your AAA batteries.

Anonymous said...

Mr.President can't you just fly away using Iron Patriot armor rather than just hanging there & wait for someone saving you from bad guys?

Oh yes sir you can do it, because you're INSIDE THE ARMOR!

Anonymous said...

IRON YAWN!!! I do not wanna see this piece of crap again! EVER!

Anonymous said...

IM3 is a sign of things to come from cash-grabber DISNEY-MARVEL--dumb 'superheroes' and funny OTT 'supervillains', lots of comedy in-between, never mind the story...like the POTC franchise, only involving Marvel characters.

Anonymous said...

And did anyone else notice how all the new suits (especially the mark 42) have a habit of literally falling to pieces after being hit by or running into anything or anyone... Like after the catching-people-falling-out-of-the-plane scene the mark 42 suit is hit by a truck and breaks into a bunch of pieces. I seem to remember the mark 3 armor being thrown into a bus by the iron monger and not breaking apart... And notice in the big fight scene in the end of ironman 3 how easily all the suits are destroyed. Tony switches suits mid-fight like 6 times because they keep breaking...

Chris Jerico said...

Iron Man 3 is a great movie. I have joyed the movie very much. This is one of the best movie of 2013.

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